Diary of a Spiritual Seeker

I am angry at my subconscious.

Once again I have started something new, am panicking and have picked up a cold.  I am tired, cranky and sniffily and you do not want to mess with my chochie biscuits.  Yum, chocolate.

I could blame my dad who brought it back from the city.  I could blame my TAFE course for being boring or I could blame the GFC for letting me graduate into a stagnant economy.  5months of job searching and not a nibble.  Life can be a bitch.

Anyway, I know logically its mostly my fault.  I don’t consciously want to be sick.  I want energy to do all the fun things in life.  The desire to go out and take on the world. Now I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

The subconscious is the most fascinating and frustrating thing about being human.  It correlates all our desires, wants and fears.  Its irrational and bewildering. Its almost like it wants us to fail.  To be miserable and unhappy while everyone else has it together.  I am not happy with my subconscious right now.

The journey of life is a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences ruled by this fickle thing of our subconscious.  At its best when all things are in balance the fear is there to give us pause, it gives us the motivation to weigh up pros and cons and make a decision based on a rational process. 

My subconscious is not in balance.

I am afraid of all the opportunities I will miss out on by doing this course.  The jobs I can’t take because I need to focus on my study.  The career I will have to delay again to finish this course.  I am afraid of missed opportunities.

I am perplexed at my own subconscious.

About

So who I am?  I am a 24year old recent university graduate who has make a conscious decision to return to further educate to up skill and make myself a attractive prospect in this competitive marketplace. 

I am also angry, and I have decided to vent my anger in a diary. Why have I decided to publish it on the big bad world wide web?  I don’t want anyone else to go through what I have and to feel so alone.

I still feel so alone.

I say this next part not from a place of ego but so you can see how this all started.

I can hear dead people.

I don’t want to hear dead people.

What I want is to be normal.  To go back in time and allow myself to grow so I can HANDLE this “unusual” ability.  I wish I could hear dead people in a year or too, then I would be able to cope.

But that is the past.  I am here, in the now and I can only write in the hope that other spiritual seekers will read and take note.  Be careful.

This is a cautionary tale for the generation spiritual.

Tommorrow: The reason for all this anger.